Walls

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A poem I wrote about the walls inside during a low point a few months ago…

There are walls
I cannot climb

Though I try

I access all my hardware
Clamps
Picks
Ropes
Ladders

I consult the engineers
Check in with architects
Refer to the blueprints

Heartened
I begin my ascent
In earnest

I begin to gain traction
I start to hope
I look upward anticipating the distant crest

And then
It shifts
Crumbles and fortifies all in one motion
Morphing
Impenetrable

My nails scrape as I screech downward
Backward

Once again on the ground
Standing
Puzzled
Unsure
Staring up at a newly crafted fortress

I am defeated
Again

I shore myself up
Throw back my shoulders in heedless determination
Return to the experts
Amend the proposals
Look inward to harness my strength

I start anew

Only to be thwarted
Again

I turn around
I keep trying
Never knowing
When these reserves will be depleted
The arsenal drained
The ruins demolished

I am desperate to believe
The Other Side
Is real
Is better

I am tired

I don’t know
When perseverance and conviction
Turn to pathetic refusal
To see that the wall blocks the horizon

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