Friday Night

Misplaced molten guilt
The inspiring event, really of no consequence
What seethes is my reaction
A sudden clenching in the gut
Wishing the moment undone
If no one asked, I wouldn’t say no

I know
I know it’s my perception of the outcome that is driving me crazy
I know I don’t want to go
Except for the outcome
That insidious fear of missing a moment I might have attended
After all, all I have is time to myself
So why alone when an option is there?

The truth?
I’m afraid of exclusion
That fear is the reason not to go and the reason to go
Now it’s too late
Too late but my mind doesn’t know it yet
The neurons tracing patterns long gone
Plotting a map of a sunken island

Writhing and twisting
Unaware it’s an impossible maze
Tension building inside
Solutions elusive –
None exist but I still don’t know

My mind is a strangle little being
Always sure I can think my way out
Trying over and over and over
If I turn it over enough
Surely I’ll find the secret latch

Finally, exhausted, I give in
Though giving in or giving up
A choice remaining unchosen
Unsure if action or stillness is right
Oblivious that ‘right’ no longer matters
Doesn’t even apply

Just one evening
One set of circumstances
Arrived at with clumsy casualness
And now accepted with instinctive un-ease.

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