I Hate It

I know it is for the best
But I hate it
Detest it
Reject it in absentia

It makes my insides squirm
It makes my outsides leak

I hate it

I want it to go away

I want you to come back

Even as I know that is not right
Is not best
Is not healthy for me

Or for you

But I hate it

I hate it viciously
Viscerally
Bitterly

I turn it over
And over
And over

The dimensions don’t change
It won’t shift the way I want
The sums just won’t add up
The factors persist

So I sit
And wait
And cry

Wishing I was strong
And sure

Wishing it didn’t hurt so much
My soul depleted
I only have band-aids

First aid no match for despair
No balm for desperation

“the best”
a lie
a joke
A story told in 3/4 time

The best is not good
The best hurts like hell

As did the worst

So where it the right?
Where is the light?

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Spinning

I look toward
Then look away
The view does not change
Even with eyes closed

The past is known
The present hurts

The future…
An unasked question
With a silent answer

A choice
That is not a choice

Grey stained with black
Blue
Purple
Crowding the edges

Bruised ego
Cracked soul
Shattered heart

Trapped in a glut of inertia

Moving backward
Is pain
Once lived over
And over
Over

Moving forward
Terrifying
Empty
Spaces unfilled
Once occupied
By promise
Love
Dreams

Trapped
In the impossible
Paralyzed
By the reality

I cannot move
I am lost

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Tiptoe

Meandering sunlight falls gently on russet pavement
Patterns of leaves interlaced
Accepting a shiver of icicle freshness
Immune to clinging human hearts

Pulled downward by time
Still lifted with crisp diamond air

Haunted
Vacant

Vibrant orange pink red
Amber and gold
Snap off in an instant
Sunshades removed
Starkness of unfiltered hues

Cold

Real

Tendrils of breath
Impose on shuttered windows and doors
Quelling the yearnings
The drive

Darkness persists on tiptoe
Frost illumined
Glistening crystals
Sage bouquets
Maple sugar kisses

Groping fingers
Lacquered nails in glittery sunbursts
Curled inward on instinct

Hesitant
Impulsive

Unfurl
Patience drawn to burgeoning branches of dew

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Liability

Am I
Just
Pluses and minuses on a line
The sum of my parts
Am impossible derivative
A reduction of meaning

Positive
Or negative
Revealed in painstaking comparison
No absolutes
Or at least very few

Benefits
Overshadowed
By potential downturns at every junction
Quantities unknown
Safest to save
Expecting the fall from grace
Contracting inward below the surface
Quietly subtracting from truth
And calling it rational

But
Not sunk
Not yet
Bubbles rising up
Pressure on the balance
Dancing around ones and zeroes

Arcs where once angles
Stood
An implicit formula
Of mind nested with flesh once in arrears
Retreating backward
From freshly rooted soul
Multitudinous possibility
Blooms net positive

Once a liability
Moderated by hope
Transitions to an integrated whole
A treasured asset

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Stricken

Words once my saviour
My protector
My defense
My clarity
Calm refuge in text
Melodious phrasing
Vibrant metaphor
Images shaped by letters
Even twisted clichés

But now
Words betray me in their impotence

11058914073_ba55f8e8b3_mToo weak
Too simple
Too many
Too few
Too plain
Too late
Too raw

Words stock no comfort and no shade
Fall randomly
Rubbery and indistinct
Ricochet in silence
Wisps of stories
Dribble on chafed lips

Nonverbal in this
Feeling
Just feeling
Pain, loss, anger, relief, despair, hope, sorrow, peace
Cycling anew
No messages enough
Moving
Slow motion
Smiles cap the ocean
An iceberg below

Pain

Peace

Pain

A future promise
Fresh lyrics distantly whispering
To enrobe me
Enrich me
Enfold me
Release me

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Okay

If my body’s not sickly
How will you know
That my mind’s not okay

I still gasp for breath
I still fight for the air
Healthy lungs burning.

One heavy leaf on a sharp frozen branch
Scared of the fall
Winter has come
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I want to let go
To surrender to spring
But the meanwhile’s so cold

I can’t expect understanding
Of the bareness of soul
Shielded by porcelain skin
A white plaster smile

Blinking back tears
Instinctive response to kind words
That veer off the mark
Slide past the pain

The band aid’s smooth plastic
A flimsy protection
For the raw wound concealed

Ornate shaky letters
Embossed on crepe paper

Will I be okay?

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Grounded

9262278749_861465d512_bTumbling ever downward
Floating free form
Barreling in impatient crisis
Moments of exhilaration
Tempered by terror

Racing toward…
Something unknown
Hopeful
Undefined

Will the ground rush up too soon?
Thin feathers not yet plush enough
Ardent attempts at cushioning
Betrayed by sharp edges not yet smoothed from time

Or

Will it birth itself in time?

To offer up pillowy softness
Gently enveloping skin
A softly silky heaven
Landing in lush fullness

Closer
Closer
Scared
Longing

To open my eyes
At last

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Words

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It’s all feeling
Words jumbled twisted
Ill fitting
Torn
From emotions embedded in soul
Deep roots unspoken
Unabridged
Glimpsed sideways and upside down
Reaching ugly
Truth touched
Behind closed eyes
Lightning showers
Visible thunder
Soft
Hints of healing
Slashes of hope
Mingling with darkness unacknowledged
Suppressed
Unknowable
Irrational
Real
Obscenely valuable
Truth

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Gone

Words pass
With etchings of silver in stone
Crashing together
Yet no one is listening

Claiming to be here
In stories dark enough to be true
Pulsing and fading
Yellow caution lights
Blinking to a darkened audience

Illuminated eyes
Bright and staring
Scampering over narrow crossings
Unwanted
Uncaring
Slinking from sight
Emerging from sound

In
Out
In
Out

Saving the final morsel
An offering in cold futility
Balancing atop sharp daggers
Not enough to cushion
Blows that still cut and bruise

And so it goes
And so it is gone.

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I Wonder

I know I should stop
But I can’t help
Wondering

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Where you are
In this moment
Are you alone, lonely

I wander

Dark digital paths
Sparks of light
Only prolonging pain

I wonder

If you feel grief
Or relief
If your eyes are dry tonight

I wander

Back through days
Seeking omens in the dance
Where once were only footprints

I wonder

Who let who go
In the beginning and the end
Did it ever matter

I wander

Beside moonlit ocean
Under stars
Waiting to be wished upon

I wonder

How to be strong
When morning keeps coming
Day after day
After day

I wander

Lost to future plans
Moments thwarted by presence
Dissolving slowly

I wonder

Do you remember
Today

I know I should stop
But I wonder

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