Listen

The story I’m telling myself
Is the story of my life
My truths
My lies
My reading between the lines

I’m surprised when words emerge from the page
With a familiar rhythm
A well-known theme

Sudden bursts of fancy
Light
Fleeting
Playful
Hopeful
Beyond

Bounce back
To a shape much more solid
Though not always as much

These moments
Are still mine

They are snippets
Drafts
Unedited content that merges with the longer narrative
The ending yet unwritten

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Where Were You?

When one day
In the mirage that’s approaching ahead
You glance over your shoulder
When you look back on this day

What chime will echo?
What story will dance in your mind?
When, from the shimmer of distant tomorrow, you wistfully remember today…

Where were you?

Did you witness the blush of the ripening tomato?
Not ready but warm in the sun.
Did you see its round fullness?
Imagine the sweet nectar inside
Did your fingers brush gently the leaves?
Absorbing the aroma of bounty to come

Or did you pass by, intent only on perfect red fruit?

Did you listen with heightened attention
To the black fly abuzz in the darkening room?
Did you push back the instant aversion
Get curious about the spiralling dance
Did you notice it play in the corners?
How it bounced off the creamy white walls?
Did you sense when it focused on freedom?
A quick exit without any fuss
Then a potent relief of stillness in the wake

Or were you focused on dodgy annoyance, and shooing it out of your space?

Did you notice the weary drooped eyes
Of the neighbour you passed in the hall?
Did you hear the slow fall of his footsteps?
The practiced curve of his lips to a smile
Did you offer expressions of comfort?
A word or a sign or a glance
Did you choose to engage with connection?
To share in the cadence of life

Or did you pass by without looking at all?

When you come to the end of this voyage
When you turn to the shape of your past
I wonder, dear traveller, yes I wonder…

Where were you?

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Looking Up

The way to growth is patterned by the essence of now

We send love note to our selves
We hear echoes of movement in response

Release
Let go
Allow

To sit with only a smile is vulnerability laid down

DSC_0074Your breath drawing in needs and desires from every angle
Taking it in
Let your body shift and shiver with sparks that prick your inner boundaries
Stretching the edges of being
Lovingly contained by the preciousness of space

You are full

There is this moment at your feet

You are presence.  Now.

Let yourself tumble forward with the halting grace of uncertainty
Sure that you will be cradled with care and with love

As you land here
As you step forward.

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Walls

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A poem I wrote about the walls inside during a low point a few months ago…

There are walls
I cannot climb

Though I try

I access all my hardware
Clamps
Picks
Ropes
Ladders

I consult the engineers
Check in with architects
Refer to the blueprints

Heartened
I begin my ascent
In earnest

I begin to gain traction
I start to hope
I look upward anticipating the distant crest

And then
It shifts
Crumbles and fortifies all in one motion
Morphing
Impenetrable

My nails scrape as I screech downward
Backward

Once again on the ground
Standing
Puzzled
Unsure
Staring up at a newly crafted fortress

I am defeated
Again

I shore myself up
Throw back my shoulders in heedless determination
Return to the experts
Amend the proposals
Look inward to harness my strength

I start anew

Only to be thwarted
Again

I turn around
I keep trying
Never knowing
When these reserves will be depleted
The arsenal drained
The ruins demolished

I am desperate to believe
The Other Side
Is real
Is better

I am tired

I don’t know
When perseverance and conviction
Turn to pathetic refusal
To see that the wall blocks the horizon

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Ground Up

Sometimes words are just words
Objectively interpreted
Purpose
Derived from form
From structures
Not society

Ground Up

What does it mean?

The devastating pain
Of the puree of emotions
Raw ingredients
Swirling
Crushed into silt
Carried away on a puff of air

Fragmented down
To the smallest of particles
Infused with every nuance
Sparing no feeling, no hurt
Until the elements
Are indistinguishable

Pulsing blades
Ignorant
Of what will emerge
From the mechanical whine
Grinding together good – bad – pleasure – pain – all the shades of light and dark
To an undifferentiated mess
All the somethings dissolving
Into the mess of nothing

Ground Up

Or could it be different?

A place to start
The baring of a soul
Allowing seeds to be planted
In hard earth
Yielding quietly to sharp determination
Opening reluctantly
Coaxed by kindness
To grow

Implied ascension
Rising
From a constructed base
A weary start
Hinting only softly
Of the lofty heights to come

Subtle and stable
Hard won territory
Supporting the load
Born of monotony and of magic
Bearing banality
Foretelling of sweeping views
Seen from on high

This dream just beginning
From the ground up.

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Infinity

Every memory9264940720_e09b2eb841_z
You are with me
Every day

Old scars don’t feel old
Not yet healed
Bridging past to present

Wishful thoughts of a future
We dreamed of in the past

That first date
We drank girly drinks on a patio
We both liked patios
Neither of us liked the drinks
We sipped white wine
We both like wine
It was red wine ever after

Dizzy from your view

Infinity entwined

Spinning around and around
You lifted me up

Sweet relief
To be seen

To be loved

Judgment suspended
Love implanted

Growth
Movement

Traditions abandoned
New rituals formed

Podcasts and persimmons
Netflix and Nelson
Whimsy and words

Tofino.
Tomatoes.

You.
Six years later.
Still… you.

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My Love

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It seems too much
To commit your name to the screen
As if I could pretend or imagine or delude myself into thinking a love poem could be written for any other

It cannot

You hold my heart

I want to tell you

About the woman I am becoming
How different and similar she is to my old self
Her strength I am embracing
Her character I am exploring
Dark tears stemmed with winsome laughter
Red wine alternated with IPAs
Quite often even sobriety (gasp!)
Deep talks offset with light banter
Rosy hope tempered by sad acceptance
Desperation meeting assurance reforming in resilience

This once isolated soul opening to my need for heartfelt connections
I indulge in nibbles

You’d like me

I think

And could you love me too?

I don’t know.
I don’t know.

That fear
That not knowing
Restrains me

Wondering is
Painful, desperate, aching, tragic, horrid, raw, oozing, awful, festering

But (just) bearable

And maybe, slowly, healing

Rejection?

With all her strength, this new woman does not yet have that strength
Could not bear that blow

I’m sorry I didn’t hold your hand
I’m sorry I let go of your heart

We had a shared language
Once
My dialect has changed
I wish I could enlighten you

I’m here

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I Want You

I want you

to want me

and need me

to love me

To reach me as I look toward you

I struggle to let go

I love you

Please be brave

Wherever you are

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Deeply

My naivete would amuse me
If it was not mine

My groping, doleful, soulful belief
That I’d cry
But not for too long
That I’d hurt
But just for awhile
That I’d mourn
But then rise up renewed

I tell myself stories

Some days I convince myself
That I’m strong, sure and striving
Some days I whimper
That I’m afraid, alone and abandoned
Some days I grieve
That I’m unlikeable, unloved and unworthy
Some nights I pray
That I’ll find hope, healing and happiness

I feel it
Fully and brutally in my soul
I am embarrassed by the strength and rawness of the pain

Imagining you long since moved on and away from me, from us

Picturing you reading my thoughts and you pleased that you have forged ahead

Knowing you will not read these words

I must accept the silence as truth though the access to such freedom eludes me

It does not matter how you grieve
(though my heart yearns to know)
I am not worth less for still being here

I loved deeply
Such love will not fade by internal force or external pressures
It pulses on and I will not flee from the beat

I could not
Would not
Shall not
Love
In a way that the loss of that love does not cut me to the soul
Time slowing to heal and to mend

That is the love that I felt
The love that I lost

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Searchlight

 

I am looking
For you

Pantheon

Always

Out the window
On the corner
On the street

In the cafe

A constant hum in my heart

Then a sighting

A leap
A blare
A flash
A fire

A disappointment

It was not you

St Patrick's Well - the first of our stair series in Italy :)I walk
Face reddened from cold
Awkward
Misplaced shame

Once
It was your street
Your corner

You are not there

It was not once

Melting into quiet
Shadows
Retreat
Relieved and deflated

Still looking

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