Jewel in the Hand

Didn’t we almost have it all?
Take my tears and that’s not nearly all

Don’t, don’t you want me?
I see your true colours shining through
Feels like a world upon my shoulders
But the point is probably moot

This is our last dance
You’re all the things I’ve got to remember

I see you through the smoky air
And no message could have been any clearer
If your colours were like my dreams
I tried my imagination but I was disturbed

We could have lived this dance forever
Into the sea You and me

There doesn’t seem to be anyone around

I have loved you for so long
Can’t you hear the thunder?
Cause we’ll never be wrong together
Letting the days go by

Listen to your heart
I mean, I really think you like me

Again

I am reduced to salt water elements
Expelled though tightly shut eyes
All of me squeezing against reality
Nothing changes
Time falls away

At moments
I am flooded
With a reckless and irrational hope
A belief the impossible could unfold

It is groundless
The abyss pulls me under
Again

I long for my saviour
My hero
To break this spell

I know
I won’t be saved
I know
I don’t need to be
I know
I am not worth less
I know
I don’t deserve to be discarded

Granite days and nights
Cleave together
A chain of grief
I carry as I rise

It breaks my spirit
Now
Chafing rough skin
Becoming bloodied and raw

I know

I will stand straight
Make a shawl of these links
An adornment
That shows my strength

I can carry it alone
I don’t want to
But I will

You said

You said you didn’t know
You said you were surprised
You said it was too late
You said it was over

You said

You said that you would try
You said that you had hope
You said you wanted to grow old together
You said it was forever

You said so many things.

Each time
I followed the path of the words you said
With tentative caution
At first
Then rushing head first with conviction
Before falling
Over
And over
And over

Every time
I believed the things you said

You said you would be here
In these darkest of hours
You said you wouldn’t leave my side

Now
Here I am
Alone
With the lies that you said.

A car racing through the night
In the rain

On a side window
Two droplets
Of many
Quiver and shake
Gripping in fierce determination
Forward momentum
Ironically urges them back

Other droplets
Release
Gliding down in rapid arcs

Or join
Combining forces as larger pools

These two remain
Side by side

Closer together
Incremental movement
Towards a single path

Still quivering
Still separate

The car rounds a corner
Forces shift

These beads move closer
Scientifically weighing the risk
The rewards

Two bloated reflections
Of a world
Standing still and rushing past

Another turn
A bump to the right

Fearful perfect spheres
Shudder and strain
Stretch long to unite

The wheel catches in a rut
A jump in the scene

One fresh droplet
Breaks apart
Too soon
Shattering and dissolving

Dispersed from the car
Returned to the rain

I wish you were here.

We could make up a word together
Endeavour to describe this pain

Crushed + Devastated…
= Devushed?
= Crustated?

Bereft + Defeated…
= Defeft?
= Bereated?

Miserable + Broken…
= Misoken?
= Brorable?

I want to laugh with you about the absurdity of the attempts.

No word is heavy enough
None matches the depth and breadth of emotion
The wholeness of this despair

Shattered is close.

It narrowly misses the emptiness
The loneliness
In a single glass of wine

There is said to be a silver lining
Yet

Instead
The world fades behind a blurred window
Hairline fissures spreading with speed
As storms gust and batter the glass

I would love to be warm and safe with you.

I’m here.
Silenced among the shards of my fragmented heart.