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I wish you were here.

We could make up a word together
Endeavour to describe this pain

Crushed + Devastated…
= Devushed?
= Crustated?

Bereft + Defeated…
= Defeft?
= Bereated?

Miserable + Broken…
= Misoken?
= Brorable?

I want to laugh with you about the absurdity of the attempts.

No word is heavy enough
None matches the depth and breadth of emotion
The wholeness of this despair

Shattered is close.

It narrowly misses the emptiness
The loneliness
In a single glass of wine

There is said to be a silver lining

The world fades behind a blurred window
Hairline fissures spreading with speed
As storms gust and batter the glass

I would love to be warm and safe with you.

I’m here.
Silenced among the shards of my fragmented heart.

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The story I’m telling myself
Is the story of my life
My truths
My lies
My reading between the lines

I’m surprised when words emerge from the page
With a familiar rhythm
A well-known theme

Sudden bursts of fancy

Bounce back
To a shape much more solid
Though not always as much

These moments
Are still mine

They are snippets
Unedited content that merges with the longer narrative
The ending yet unwritten

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Where Were You?

When one day
In the mirage that’s approaching ahead
You glance over your shoulder
When you look back on this day

What chime will echo?
What story will dance in your mind?
When, from the shimmer of distant tomorrow, you wistfully remember today…

Where were you?

Did you witness the blush of the ripening tomato?
Not ready but warm in the sun.
Did you see its round fullness?
Imagine the sweet nectar inside
Did your fingers brush gently the leaves?
Absorbing the aroma of bounty to come

Or did you pass by, intent only on perfect red fruit?

Did you listen with heightened attention
To the black fly abuzz in the darkening room?
Did you push back the instant aversion
Get curious about the spiralling dance
Did you notice it play in the corners?
How it bounced off the creamy white walls?
Did you sense when it focused on freedom?
A quick exit without any fuss
Then a potent relief of stillness in the wake

Or were you focused on dodgy annoyance, and shooing it out of your space?

Did you notice the weary drooped eyes
Of the neighbour you passed in the hall?
Did you hear the slow fall of his footsteps?
The practiced curve of his lips to a smile
Did you offer expressions of comfort?
A word or a sign or a glance
Did you choose to engage with connection?
To share in the cadence of life

Or did you pass by without looking at all?

When you come to the end of this voyage
When you turn to the shape of your past
I wonder, dear traveller, yes I wonder…

Where were you?


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Looking Up

The way to growth is patterned by the essence of now

We send love note to our selves
We hear echoes of movement in response

Let go

To sit with only a smile is vulnerability laid down

DSC_0074Your breath drawing in needs and desires from every angle
Taking it in
Let your body shift and shiver with sparks that prick your inner boundaries
Stretching the edges of being
Lovingly contained by the preciousness of space

You are full

There is this moment at your feet

You are presence.  Now.

Let yourself tumble forward with the halting grace of uncertainty
Sure that you will be cradled with care and with love

As you land here
As you step forward.

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A poem I wrote about the walls inside during a low point a few months ago…

There are walls
I cannot climb

Though I try

I access all my hardware

I consult the engineers
Check in with architects
Refer to the blueprints

I begin my ascent
In earnest

I begin to gain traction
I start to hope
I look upward anticipating the distant crest

And then
It shifts
Crumbles and fortifies all in one motion

My nails scrape as I screech downward

Once again on the ground
Staring up at a newly crafted fortress

I am defeated

I shore myself up
Throw back my shoulders in heedless determination
Return to the experts
Amend the proposals
Look inward to harness my strength

I start anew

Only to be thwarted

I turn around
I keep trying
Never knowing
When these reserves will be depleted
The arsenal drained
The ruins demolished

I am desperate to believe
The Other Side
Is real
Is better

I am tired

I don’t know
When perseverance and conviction
Turn to pathetic refusal
To see that the wall blocks the horizon

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Ground Up

Sometimes words are just words
Objectively interpreted
Derived from form
From structures
Not society

Ground Up

What does it mean?

The devastating pain
Of the puree of emotions
Raw ingredients
Crushed into silt
Carried away on a puff of air

Fragmented down
To the smallest of particles
Infused with every nuance
Sparing no feeling, no hurt
Until the elements
Are indistinguishable

Pulsing blades
Of what will emerge
From the mechanical whine
Grinding together good – bad – pleasure – pain – all the shades of light and dark
To an undifferentiated mess
All the somethings dissolving
Into the mess of nothing

Ground Up

Or could it be different?

A place to start
The baring of a soul
Allowing seeds to be planted
In hard earth
Yielding quietly to sharp determination
Opening reluctantly
Coaxed by kindness
To grow

Implied ascension
From a constructed base
A weary start
Hinting only softly
Of the lofty heights to come

Subtle and stable
Hard won territory
Supporting the load
Born of monotony and of magic
Bearing banality
Foretelling of sweeping views
Seen from on high

This dream just beginning
From the ground up.


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Every memory9264940720_e09b2eb841_z
You are with me
Every day

Old scars don’t feel old
Not yet healed
Bridging past to present

Wishful thoughts of a future
We dreamed of in the past

That first date
We drank girly drinks on a patio
We both liked patios
Neither of us liked the drinks
We sipped white wine
We both like wine
It was red wine ever after

Dizzy from your view

Infinity entwined

Spinning around and around
You lifted me up

Sweet relief
To be seen

To be loved

Judgment suspended
Love implanted


Traditions abandoned
New rituals formed

Podcasts and persimmons
Netflix and Nelson
Whimsy and words


Six years later.
Still… you.

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My Love

It seems too much
To commit your name to the screen
As if I could pretend or imagine or delude myself into thinking a love poem could be written for any other

It cannot

You hold my heart

I want to tell you

About the woman I am becoming
How different and similar she is to my old self
Her strength I am embracing
Her character I am exploring
Dark tears stemmed with winsome laughter
Red wine alternated with IPAs
Quite often even sobriety (gasp!)
Deep talks offset with light banter
Rosy hope tempered by sad acceptance
Desperation meeting assurance reforming in resilience

This once isolated soul opening to my need for heartfelt connections
I indulge in nibbles

You’d like me

I think

And could you love me too?

I don’t know.
I don’t know.

That fear
That not knowing
Restrains me

Wondering is
Painful, desperate, aching, tragic, horrid, raw, oozing, awful, festering

But (just) bearable

And maybe, slowly, healing


With all her strength, this new woman does not yet have that strength
Could not bear that blow

I’m sorry I didn’t hold your hand
I’m sorry I let go of your heart

We had a shared language
My dialect has changed
I wish I could enlighten you

I’m here

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I Want You

I want you

to want me

and need me

to love me

To reach me as I look toward you

I struggle to let go

I love you

Please be brave

Wherever you are

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